There are, as I'm sure you're aware, ways to do most things.
Photographers conform to a set of guidelines and rules to make their photographs more impactful using composition and lighting, racing drivers adopt techniques to make them faster than their opponents.
Scuba diving, albeit for recreational puproses, also has a set of guidelines that set good divers apart from "the rest".
I've seen documentaries on well-known TV channels where one can spot the bad divers instantly.
Now, let me clarify, I'm certainly no subject matter expert on SCUBA diving, but I do understand the fundamentals required to make one a good (or better) diver, even though I've broken some of the rules myself.
So, to make this article more interesting, I've employed a sarcastic view based on things I've seen and experienced over the last year or two of my diving.
- Don't worry about your buddy.
Your dive buddy doesn't really need you. Ever.
You can simply leave him/her behind without ever worrying that a problem will occur.
That's why the divemaster is there. Divemasters are qualified to cope with everyone running out of air at the same time.
And they have superb, paranormal vision and can see your buddy wherever he/she may be, even if you can't.
- Float like an anchor.
That buoyancy control device that your dive shop sold you is merely a money making scheme. It doesn't really help much.
You've inflated and deflated it without it doing what you want.
Clearly, all it does for you is hold your cylinder in place.
So forget about it then. Simply descend to your dive depth, and hold on to the nearest diver to mark your depth, or crawl along the rock formation or coral reef or sea bed.
Fins are only used to get you down and back up anyway.
You could even take your fins off and walk on the bottom.
That's what your booties are for.
- Hang loose.
It just looks so much cooler if you let everything hang out.
Your depth/pressure gauges will be more accurate if not constricted by straps and bands.
It's also a good way to check if anything is beneath you when it trawls the bed or reef, moving sleeping fish, disturbing everything in it's wake.
It helps other divers find stuff more easily.
Don't sweat the damage it may cause to hundreds of years of development,
or that it may get stuck somewhere, trapping you beneath millions of tons of water.
Your divemaster is equipped to deal with it.
- It's all about you.
They say the most important person in your life is you.
So why bother considering anyone else on the dive?
If you're en route to a point during your dive, and there is a photographer floating next to a living subject somewhere closeby, trying to get the perfect shot without disturbing anything, give the person some perspective or the chance for an action shot while you trawl along the bottom, stirring up everything, and directly in front of the camera.
Oh, and see if you can bump him or something.
Maybe with your cylinder. Or kick him in the face with your fin as you bully past.
It'll be something worth remembering.
- If you must swim, swim upright.
Since we have now forgotten about our buoyancy, there may be a time where walking or crawling along the bed is not that much fun anymore.
So you need to swim. When attempting this, control your depth by swimming as if you're ascending, upright, but stay just above the bed or reef. This will also disturb anything underneath your fins, giving ample opportunity for other divers to see stuff.
Don't worry about the sand and other stuff you kick up - divers like things to be kept interesting.
- Push your limits.
Nobody likes a safe diver. Everyone loves to be terrified to death.
Everyone loves seeing the exciting "Out of air" signal.
You know, the signal where you move your hand in such a way that it looks like your hand is a Japanese Katana blade, slicing your throat repetitively?
See if you can push your limits. 50 bar is for beginners.
Dive to 30m and see if you can come up with nothing left in your cylinder.
If you don't make it, and run out of air, your divemaster is equipped to deal with it.
You're not a proper diver until you've bent and almost died from it.
Divemasters can even cure Decompression Sickness instantly with supernatural powers.
- Sea life is there to be enjoyed.
To show everyone how experienced you are and that you're not afraid, see if you can find a sleeping triggerfish.
Then pull him out of his hiding place backwards by his tail and hold him up in two hands to show everyone the marvel you've just uncovered.
If you manage to get through this without being slapped by another diver, then you're the man.
Also, see if you can find some delicate ghost pipefish, and to negate their superb camouflage for other divers, wave your fingers between them vigourously and see how much you can disturb them. Enjoy the wildlife.
You're really a master of the underwater world if you can accomplish the same as above with a lionfish or a scorpionfish.
Disclaimer:
I take no responsibility for anyone who is stupid enough to take the above points seriously and starts to employ them.
For those readers who don't know me or my humour, please ask your dive master
before attempting any of the above. If you get slapped, it's not my fault :)
