"Because I like money", she said in response after I asked why she promotes shooters.
My reaction was probably like that of a brick wall to a ping pong ball.
Quiet. Unmoved.
"Is that it?", I thought to myself; "That's the best she can do?".
She looked at me, smiling, clearly awaiting some reaction.
I nodded, turned, and walked back to the group of people we were sitting with.
A few minutes later, another one shows up.
"Paying for studies" - Ah! That's a fair enough answer.
"I'm a student" - also fair.
But working at a club promoting aweful-tasting cocktails just because you have an affinity to the stuff that makes the world go round is, in my opinion, like making mad love on the beach at a beautiful sunset... To a goat.
A little strange.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Checking the GPS for the nearest chinese take-away joint is proving unsatisfying.
Ultimately, the decision is made for a change of menu.
The steak-house is fairly upmarket, featuring a live two-man show they call a "band".
Within, there are two large tables accompanied by probably about 50 people.
Outside, on the balcony, we quietly analyse the guests inside from our much smaller table.
We politely inform a few of the ladies on their smoke break that they may join us on their next break for some company.
Some time later, we're accompanied by two ladies.
The numbers grow with a constant trickle of ladies from the large table.
Like water droplets gathering within a colossal storm cloud.
And what a storm it was.
"I regret having asked", I thought. They were here for... (wait for it...)
[drum roll]
A church group social.
Shit.
This might possibly explain why there was a slight feeling of discomfort after I told my religious jokes.
Guys from the original table were "casting devious stares in our direction".
Within just a few hours, chaos ruled.
Non-smokers were smokers. Church-folk were swearing like troopers.
To my dismay, while chatting, one of the ladies who had too much to drink let loose a tempest of gas from her mouth..
I laughed nervously.
She decided to tell her sob story about her last relationship, not able to understand why she was dumped.
Trying to understand her and listen to her slurring sentence, she released it.
La Pièce de résistance...
A fart that left no doubt as to its identity.
Imagine my expression.
"SERIOUSLY?"
We were even invited (yes, strange people, late at night) to one of the ladies' houses for drinks.
Turns out these ladies were all baggage-mongers.
Divorced, kids, issues and some apparent obsession with having to touch people when talking to them...
"Okay lady, the first 17 high-fives were enough already"
So, apart from the older stories of having dated a few crazies in my time - it seems I'm wearing a large sign to attract the people with a propensity for drama or strange behaviour.
Or older ladies who like to grab my ass in both hands and show it to their friends...
Something like when a store has a sale on. Or the universal symbol for the toilets.
Unless, aptly pointed out by a friend recently, I have an uncanny ability to bring it out?
Across the more recent women that I've met (short and medium term), the last weekend appears to have restored at least some level of normalcy to my opinon of the female society.
Except for the girl wearing the black and white zebra top (whose name I forgot) on Friday night.
Her hair-lipped quasimodo-like "friend" seemed to have some issues with me chatting to her.
She was bold enough to give me her number.
After seeing her "windsurfing" on the dance floor with her "friend", I decided it might be best to throw this one back. Let's avoid the crazy shit for a while.
My best friend pointed out that perhaps I intimidate the women I meet.
Although it's plausible, I can't imagine why.
He says it's because I cook fancy dishes, speak French, play guitar, Scuba dive, into photography.
There are guys out there that do the same, or better. Do they have the same experiences?
I think in my next story, I'm going to list ways to identify The Crazy.
All we want, as guys, is for women to be themselves.
No need to overcomplicate things by trying so hard to be someone else.
It's unsustainable.
That way, if a woman is part of the crazy, we'll know within a short time.
I'll admit, there are probably guys out there too that belong to The Crazy.
These people should wear signs. Name tags maybe. "Hi, I'm the crazy".
Partial Solution: A friend of mine mentioned recently that perhaps we should run around social gatherings with rolls of stick-on dots in various colours.
The colour coding will apply to various features.
Maybe a little green dot sticker should be quietly placed on the women we know belong to "The Crazy".
So to all you women out there reading this - if you're actually taking offence to my thoughts, maybe the shoe fits... Your green sticker is on the way.
5 comments:
when do you want to attempt your "Partial Solution" ?
Its more like the Hazy - if you ask me....
Hello to the writer of "the Crazy" . . This is a response not from a woman offended and who wears "the shoe" , that will be given the green sticker. . .
but this is the response from the kind of woman that only knows the 'SEE - THROUGH STICKERS ' not the green or the blue or whatever color scheme you randomly came up with... the level of woman...Seeing right through the kind of men that place the stickers, that does the categorizing on woman and ultimately categorise themselves as the "typical" male …oh sorry....hold on... was that just a sticker on your back??
Sorry…you probably think im not intelligent enough to have thought of this, cause im just a woman with baggage…and that’s all I carry.....my emotions…???
Your choice of analogy does proof rather interesting " like making mad love on the beach at a beautiful sunset... to a goat "
It seems the girls selling shooters would actually be in your "reach" if you can place a beautiful sunset, making love and a GOAT in one sentence
I found your experience with the "church group" rather "sticker-ish" - - - this is happening all the time… I think its because they are religious folk as you say….
For the Non-smokers to become smokers. Church-folk to begin swearing like troopers , simply tells me you potentially had another sticker you were giving away called "religious " . . . I would caution you here ,that uhmmm that’s really a very stereotypical approach…and almost "religious" of you…
A question if you may, why would you continue the night further with women who were definitely not of any interest to you or your friends ?
Being "typical males" with your stickers again?
I would have thought that, you would have dropped that crowd of hypocritical woman after "stickering" them up…but still you stayed with them, degrading them even more according to your standards...
So your friend says you bring what out??? Attracting woman with strange behaviour?
Or is there a strangeness to you that initiates some of this behaviour to be pulled towards you…or is that the carved out, the exclusion to "THE CRAZY"
How was normalcy of the female society restored for you? Or rather "I saw she windsurfed" and that reduced her again... back into the that little box called "not acceptable"
So what is the NORMAL you looking for?
Sorry to disappoint but still the thought of you , a goat , a sunset kinda kills the fancy meal , french speaking , guitar playing , scuba and photographer guy you are…
Or rather more.. the reduction of women to a sticker, is highly off putting…
As a woman reading this… hmmm I realise it is not me what you looking for…
You say you want women to be themselves…
They cant,cause when they are they are themselves, they are either
too strong or too weak
Too emotional or too distant,
Not intelligent enough , or too stupid….
Too independent or too demanding
We,she,her and i.. Cannot be ourselves in a society with men thinking like this....
Cause what we are has not been good enough for a long while now…
Perhaps thoughts like yours concerning stickers has made women uncomfy and unacceptable to themselves…
It is unsustainable as you say… and we KNOW it....
For there to be this lack of acceptance for both men and woman….
An authenticity to have "balls" to walk away with some character and dignity when something is not meant to be…Instead there is a immaturity..
Glad you realise the crazy exists both ends… that’s your best comment in THIS PIECE...
Permanent the solution:
DEAL WITH YOUR WOUNDS BEFORE YOU TRY FIXING OTHERS
DROP THE STICKERS - they wont work ON REAL WOMAN..perhaps on girls..
BE TRANSPARENT AND LET HER BE WHO SHE IS…
IF YOU WANT TO MOULD, TAKE UP POTTERY… NOT WOMAN….
EACH ONE OF US CRACK THE MOULD AND DESERVE TO BE TREATED UNIQUELY AS EACH MAN DESERVES THAT TOO...
All in due course
The Crazies-B-Gone Protection Plan
• When strangers ask you a question, offer only the information asked of you: If they ask for the time, tell them the time. No need to compliment them on their shoes.
• Avoid eye contact with people you don't know. When alone in public, try to focus your attention on the floor or straight ahead of you.
• If a sketchy person starts talking to you or invades your personal space, walk away. You're not being rude. You're protecting yourself.
• If you're meeting a friend and he or she is running late, stand next to someone who is busy and won't try to talk to you, like a woman with a baby or a businessperson reading a newspaper.
• Carry a book or a magazine with you at all times. People are less likely to strike up a conversation with you if you're occupied. Don't turn up your iPod too loud, though — you won't hear someone approaching you from behind.
• Go to places where women hang out. Recent studies have shown that women in public places are safer if other women are around. And I'm not talking just about bars — this is true for parks, stores, anywhere!
• Always carry a cell phone.
• Don't be afraid to yell. If someone is harassing you, raise your voice and tell him to stop.
• And finally ... it's safe to smile at babies and old people. All others must earn it.
Trust me. The plan works. No one has licked my ear in two months (although I still clean it with a cotton swab whenever I think of certain incidents)!
@ The author of "The Hazy":
Thank you for your comments.
1. The fact that I can actually publish your comment unaltered should precipitate the fact that I'm unperturbed at your reaction.
2. It also means that you potentially misunderstand the tone of the writing.
3. Those who do understand the satirical tone of my writing find my blogs particularly amusing.
4. Comments like these from readers like yourself make this post even funnier. So thank you :)
5. Next time leave your address so we can mail you a green sticker.
@ The Crazies-B-Gone Protection Plan Author:
Hilarious and valuable. Thank you :)
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