Public service is a mystery

7 seconds.

That's how long it takes for an average teller to stamp a document.

If you need to find the misplaced stamp, add another 10 seconds.

If you have run out of ink, add 50 seconds more to obtain a new ink pad from stationery.

Add another 5 seconds in case you are visually impaired.

In fact, add 5 more minutes to redo the whole process, in case you botched the first document because you happen to shake like Shakira's rear in her music videos, or perhaps, in your tired stupor,  used a coffee-soaked rusk instead of the stamp itself.

But how long can it possibly take to process a new government-issued legal document?

The average, they say, is 6 weeks.

For my case, perhaps it was supposed to have been 6 months.

That's a bit arduous, but so be it.

Heck, I'd accept 9 months.

Now, a lot can happen in 9 months.

One can arrange an entire wedding and honeymoon. That includes flights, accommodation, family flying from overseas. Hell, they could even travel by moose or yak from Russia to the tip of Africa in that time frame.

One can fall pregnant and have a baby.
In the meanwhile, a new room has been kitted out, and baby showers have happened. In fact, in 9 months, you can get married, go on honeymoon, kit your house out AND have a baby.
And your family can make it back to Russia by moose.

I waited 1 year and 7 months for this documentation.

When I called for assistance (all of almost 65 times), I was never able to speak to someone at head office, but rather to a representative third party call centre who somehow interacted with the mysterious workers at head office using smoke signals from burning brocolli.

That's most likely because, at head office, they engaged the services of test subjects that had not yet learned to grasp the fine art of language or communication. I don't think they were chimps or baboons because even primates have been shown to exhibit vast levels of intelligence and initiative.

I'm not certain where the delays came from, but it appears this situation was far too complex for the organisms dealing with this application to have made a success from it all. In lab experiments, when animals are presented with problems different from the patterns they have previously been exposed to, they take a bit more time to solve them. Mistakes happen, but patterns generally develop and from that point forth, even something as small as the brain of a rat has the capacity to remember patterns - and solve problems.

My argument in this instance is simply that I could not have been the first in history to have applied for documentation given my particular circumstances.

Therefore, I deduce from this result that the process would have been more efficient if my application was sent to Nepal, for a trip of goats to attend to.

It would potentially take about 12 weeks for my application to reach Nepal, strapped to the back of a flying pig (just not in the middle of July).
The cost of the pig is covered by the loss of income taken to generate the required documentation, photos, standing in queues, accompanied quite effectively by the large some of money paid to apply.

Once in Nepal, the locals would kill the pig and likely sell it on or consume it (at which point it would probably be quite lean).
(Just of thought of a good punch line: The Swine Flew).

Considering the pig as payment, one of the locals could deliver the attached application to the already busy council of goats for review.

Assuming that these goats cannot read English, it would likely require translation from English into Nepalese Goat.
Therefore, we could add another 2 weeks for translation.
More on the candidates for this task a little further down...

The goats, with their vast knowledge on the subject and unparalleled competence, can then easily peruse the required documentation and take the required action.

In the meanwhile, I have called the call centre. This explains why I can't speak to anyone at head office - a legitimate excuse this time.
They don't even have my application. And I can't very well be put through to a trip of goats, now can I?

How would they hold a telephone?

Furthermore, I'm told that it takes approximately 2-4 weeks for an enquiry to be responded to.

The irony is that when I asked "What is happening with my application, and where is the delay?", I inadvertently received an answer to a difficult question on "Who wants to be a Millionnaire".

It was completely unrelated to my question, but seemed to have made a load of sense to the person reading it to me over the phone. Again, room for improvement.

With the Nepalese Goat Council as an alternative, I concur that this process - answering enquiries - could also be streamlined.

The original pig as payment on every application also covers subsequent correspondence.

Flying pigs taste better than their ground-constrained cousins and are more valuable (I mean, they can fly).

This correspondence, in the form of an enquiry in this instance, can be sent to Nepal in a document holder carried by an Ethiopian goose.

Ethiopian geese are faster flyers and excellent runners with staggering endurance (this is a survival mechanism based on the enviroment of their origins).

Within 5 days, it reaches Nepal.

The enquiry is translated by a local Nepalese herd of cows who can speak to the goats too.

I qualify: the cow is sacred in Nepal and also the national animal, therefore, they need to able to speak various languages.

Once verified, the associated answer is placed ON THE SAME ENQUIRY.

This will prevent me getting a response to a question from Billy-Bob asking why his sister's application to be his wife was declined, even though she is already the mother of his son, who is also his nephew, whose aunt is his own mom, and in turn, the applicant.

The goose flies back. 11 days have passed, and my problems addressed.

Billy-Bob might have to wait a little longer.

Clearly, however, in reality, we employ another species of animal to complete this seemingly complicated task.

Perhaps we have discovered a new species as a result of combining various animals:

The hands of an ape (the opposing thumbs are required to hold a stamp).

The stomach and body of the Ethiopian goose (requires little nourishment and has good stamina, therefore costs little to maintain and operate).

One large muscular foot from a giant slug (they can stay in the same position all day but still move gradually when they need to).

For a brain, the testicle of a goat (has solely one purpose).

Well, I'm happy now, I got my documentation at last. And it made for some interesting writing too ;)