Life is made of experiences, both good and bad so that we can learn from mistakes and learn that good things are possible too. I get that. Totally.
Just ironic sometimes, how we wonder how bad we must have been in a previous life to deserve something that shatters hope, destroys emotions and anihilates those senses within.
When I feel like this, it reminds me of being at the dentist.
You have to go once in a while, and when you do, you can suffer quite a bit.
As the dentist prepares to inject some local anaesthetic, he says "Hold still, this won't hurt a bit".
You feel a little sting as the needle pierces your gum and then simply some pressure.
That's fine. And he's right. It doesn't really hurt.
No.
Not until 2 hours later. Then you're in so much pain that you feel like driving back and peeling off the dentist's toe nails to reciprocate the favour.
Can't they give you the full story? How about "This won't hurt a bit right now, but in a few hours, you'll probably get more pleasure sliding down a razor blade, using your testicles for brakes".
I think life can be like that at times.
However, the other day, I was cleaning out my closet. Came across old clothes I hadn't worn for some time, and probably won't again.
I decided I would do my good deed and give the clothing to charity (some items were still pretty new, so it's hard parting with these sometimes).
I decided that my version of charity would be a man I work with.
We have a guy at the office that is a janitor and cleaner. He's old, somewhat thin and about as tall as 3 apples.
After looking at the clothing I gave to him, I was wondering if he would fit into any of it.
I had a feint idea he might decide to wear socks as leggings, or the gloves as a jacket.
Then I thought, at this time where things are tough for most of us, perhaps he would take the clothes and sell them. Either way, I'd be doing my good deed for the day.
So 2 days after this, I was relieving a rather full bladder, and just before going to wash my hands, he stopped me in the bathroom and proceeded to drop his overall pants...
I turned away, and proceeded to the basin. I didn't know what to think. After a short space of time, I realised he was trying to show me that he had "fixed" the pants I gave him. He showed me he was wearing them underneath his overalls (bless his heart) but they were still huge. All had done was put a belt through them and chopped the ends off.
He looked like Peter Pan, only he was wearing Captain Hook's clothes...
It was a little like stirring a 50 portion stew with a tooth pick.
But at least he is happy, and has pants and shirts to wear when it's cold during this winter.
The moral of the story is that the receiving is in the giving.
I actually felt so warm inside (didn't know I could still feel emotion) knowing that I was able to make a relatively poor man happy with clothing to keep him warm.
He stops me once in a while in the passages and tells me how the track top or jersey or shirt fits "number one" and thanks me every time. He offers each time to show me, but needless to say, that doesn't happen.
I've made a point in my life over the past few years to try to give more of myself. To "be a better person" (I know, SO cliché), and it's worked out ok I think.
I don't think I'm a bad person.
Just seems life has dealt some difficult cards in the last few years, and I keep thinking I'm not being good enough, or maybe just too good.
Maybe one day I'll have answers to the anguish, but for now, I think I'm content feeling numb.
And perhaps it's in the giving.
Just a reminder that there are people out there, no matter how poorly you feel, that are far worse off than yourself.
